a lease, of sanity

Maybe I shouldn't think out loud lest someone catches a whiff of my string of thoughts.... maybe I should fix myself a stiffer drink so I can renew the vigor for this day.... maybe I should have explained the situation better and maybe, maybe things would have been clearer... Maybe this is not just what was supposed to be. I would love to explain it using the theory of alternative worlds, but then again I'm in no way confident about such an explanation, no way inclined to such a perspective.

I'm pacing my thoughts now with the hope that I can figure out what I really aim to achieve from this space gazing moment. Everything is so blurry and contorted. I will need a whole host of mathematics to figure out this situation that is moving away from my once deathly grasp. So what really happens now? A month ago an action like this would have my stomach in all manner of contortions, my heart palpating in all directions, my panic buttons pressed down... now I just feel aloof and ambivalent... Like I'm witnessing the event and not experiencing it... like I walked in to see the transsgressions and not that they were aimed at me. Well, maybe this was one path that was to have someone punctuating episodes of my life like a trigger happy referee blowing away... Let's see how this perspective of thinking guides me to the epicentre of my current predicament and I will surely have something to say as soon as I make an obvious of the blackness.

They say life is short, a gasp. I don't think so... it is so fucking long... long enough for everyone of us to see the consequences of our actions, long enough for us to see the extent of our choices. Long enough for us to look back and concur, look back and regret. I'll always make some mistakes, the tragedy is not learning from them... The point is to make sense of what to touch and what to look at from afar.