I have to fight just to make it through... and This is the embodiment of all that is going on.

Ladies and Gents, Breaking Benjamin perfoming Breathe from the album "Phobia".

"Breath"

I see nothing in your eyes, and the more I see the less I like.

Is it over yet, in my head?

I know nothing of your kind, and I won't reveal your evil mind.

Is it over yet? I can't win.

So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I'm going all the way, get away, please.

[Chorus:]
You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.

This will be all over soon.
Pour salt into the open wound.

Is it over yet? Let me in.

So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I'm going all the way, get away, please.

[Chorus:]
You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.

[Bridge]
I'm waiting, I'm praying, realize, start hating.

[Chorus:]
You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.

Up and up....

She looked like a scene from a movie. So eloquent, gliding…. Slow and deliberate. She looks like everything he will ever want. She is a mash up of all his boyhood dreams and fantasies. Then she disappears. Just like a mirage. She took leave. That’s how fast the dream fazed. And that’s how fast I took leave from my senses.

I have a bad feeling in my gut. It’s there before I sleep. It’s there every day I wake up. It’s there when I start straying from routine. It’s staining my existence. If I was ever alone on this road I never knew and now it all dawns on me. Things seem to be well on the outside but I have this bad feeling. It’s a concoction of fear, betrayal, disgust, love, affection, loss and a whole lot of things I hate facing. This is going to be a long ride and every night I have to face this. I have this bad feeling. It makes me want to turn off this switch. Yet it’s a moment I have to live through. 4wks in.

And today I woke up fine. Really fine. I’m Bipolar I guess but you can dispute the power a person has to push things the other direction. Things will always remain the same as much as they seem to be changing. A career, school, incomprehensible sequences in life. We all see what we want to see. Then we start complaining. As objective as one will want to be while in an emotional situation, you in for a rude shock. Somehow we all see what we want to. And it makes a lot of sense. Funny how things turn out. I’ma have one deep breath in and out and will make my point. I was losing anyway as soon as it all started. And right now I need to have lunch.

Loosing things..

I’ve lost the plot. The whole point of it all. Funny thing, when it all started out, there was a general idea of a goal and how it will be reached. Oh the audacity of hope. I have loud music blaring. Smoky room. And she looks damn good through the smoke screen.

How things change is amazing. Part of me is glad to have been through it all. Part does not want to entertain any of it. Oh how Ignorance is Bliss at this moment. I pace. I blaze. I like this. Then I hate the monotony of it all. One thing that is wonderful about existence, this moment right here is contrasts, opposites and the dance they have. Dwell on one side and you miss the whole point. Growing up is all about understanding shades of black and white. Making sense of experiences. Part of it is accepting things for what they are and moving on. The serenity comes in distinguishing the two arguments. I had some awesome times. I had some pretty hard ones. I had others that break sunshine on some days. I have had others that just left a hole where my heart used to be. But glad all the same. They make me. In a position where everything makes sense. Only one thing is missing. Maybe I will be driven by fear, but it was the only thing I ever wanted. I loved the one side of the coin, don’t dwell on it we say. Living on the other side of the coin. Not dwelling on it either. Nothing makes sense here. I kill the butt and delete the face from the screen. Not from memory.

Nothing makes sense where humans are involved. People will always do what they want to do. I hate society and groupings without order. They creep up on civilization when hedonism becomes our guiding mantle. Scope all the sense that you may have but basics are set when we all understand our emotional and physical boundaries within society or group. Beyond that it is anarchy. Beyond that, relationships are based on disrespect. Then we lose track of it all. I lost the plot there. I lost the whole point at this juncture. I hate losing. I lost. I will always wonder what if. But I tried. The memory fades. The ciggy is dead. The face fades. For all reasons in the world, that side of the coin will always not be static. I really need a beer now. A really cold one. . Always we??!!