a lease, of sanity

Maybe I shouldn't think out loud lest someone catches a whiff of my string of thoughts.... maybe I should fix myself a stiffer drink so I can renew the vigor for this day.... maybe I should have explained the situation better and maybe, maybe things would have been clearer... Maybe this is not just what was supposed to be. I would love to explain it using the theory of alternative worlds, but then again I'm in no way confident about such an explanation, no way inclined to such a perspective.

I'm pacing my thoughts now with the hope that I can figure out what I really aim to achieve from this space gazing moment. Everything is so blurry and contorted. I will need a whole host of mathematics to figure out this situation that is moving away from my once deathly grasp. So what really happens now? A month ago an action like this would have my stomach in all manner of contortions, my heart palpating in all directions, my panic buttons pressed down... now I just feel aloof and ambivalent... Like I'm witnessing the event and not experiencing it... like I walked in to see the transsgressions and not that they were aimed at me. Well, maybe this was one path that was to have someone punctuating episodes of my life like a trigger happy referee blowing away... Let's see how this perspective of thinking guides me to the epicentre of my current predicament and I will surely have something to say as soon as I make an obvious of the blackness.

They say life is short, a gasp. I don't think so... it is so fucking long... long enough for everyone of us to see the consequences of our actions, long enough for us to see the extent of our choices. Long enough for us to look back and concur, look back and regret. I'll always make some mistakes, the tragedy is not learning from them... The point is to make sense of what to touch and what to look at from afar.

Right here, I feel nothing.

I work in a Warehouse buiding partitioned into offices, drenched with objectives, punctuated by extreme office politics. Phones are ringing, loose weekend chatter is the norm on Mondays, my gloomy hung'overed face the rule on such days... From outside it might be fascinating, from the inside, I feel gloom for this battlefield. I've lost desire for this, I feel like the end for this....

I'm quite demanding, when it comes to situations, moments, people I would spend a percentage of my life with. Conversations have to be absorbing, interesting, actions involving, sensational.... work challenging, rewarding and educational.... now everything looks ... glum... indifferent, poorly constructed... or maybe I just lost interest. I believe all situations are built with an end and a termination point in sight.. that one day it will have to be gone for normal and natural interactions to be gone, we wear off people, relationships... we grow unsatisfied of college courses, work opportunities, we urge for a better car or lover.... we hate our situation and grasp for another... Currently I am at that stage with this gig, I feel nothing. like standing in empty walls, like an unfullfiled promise, like being cheated out of something, I am just there!!!

Well, after 4yrs, I would believe it was time to move on nevertheless... Comfort zone or whatever, I need to find some new challenges and demands. I want to feel special and needed.. I want to get over this stage. Maybe I'm just not satisfied...

Oh! Did not go to BBQ on the weekend... My Virgo mode just kicked in on Friday and I spent all weekend indoors... Like really.

peace

A world of good is taking shape... grays are changing, unpredictable waters are settling. I always had faith in the extent of what I can achieve... and now this will be the right moment to make this work out... Though I have to cross a lot of fingers, experience squeaky bum moments, I have a good feeling about this phase. Oh I believe this was made for me and I'm just making things take shape. For in the end, it was always going to work out.

I received the call, set up the appointment and got to prepare for this... Day is tomorrow and I would love to ask for help but this will be my fight and oh be warned I am coming out on tops... it will mean moving, changing of current set up, my little comfort zone... but then again, I was never one for order... Chaos beckon and my tummy just rumbles with excitos. Kind of an inevitable situation that has come with a certain peace in my being... I feel sorry it is happening at a certain episode of someone significant in my life, fearing I'm making a call that will always be a bitter-sweet one for me. I'm just embracing calmness and avoiding fights, enjoying the whiskey and avoiding the company, enjoying my thoughts and avoiding the conversation, smiling aimlessly and avoiding to explaining myself... After that episode I should appreciate the settled situation.

Saturday is BBQ day at Mike's... And my date is my Housemate, LOL!! Time to mingle motherfucker... LMAO! Looking forward to the conversation and the awkward questions... Cos with these guys, no topic is barred. Will blog about it...

How I'm doing

I lose friends in two's. I make friends in two's. I have a small circle... I'm the most paranoid person on earth. However, I'm grateful for everything that is happening. Life is weird, God works in mysterious ways, you two were tied together, maybe I never wanted to see it in the first place... maybe I just chose to be blind. I'm so understanding of my situation, of all the people who never made it in my life at this very moment, those who have the right to scold me now... the walk-ins who tilt my head and show me a new perspective and then leave, the ones who stay longer and point out my weaknesses and make me stronger, the ones who scare me off their own...and reinforce my fears.

Grateful for you, and you.. for making me stronger, you only broke me for a few moons, today I make peace... You deserve an accolade for showing me what I should be, that the shades of Grey though subjective, are to be respected. That we live independent of each other, that we share admiration, that you will always be a cause for reflection. That I'm not there yet, that I have to fore-go the planning and embrace the faith. That I have to do some more. I'm moving to the next phase... I always have the door open for you though.... For though you leave, I don't see someone else making sense like you did.

Thanks to Georgina for making me see I am asking too little of myself, that the potential has to be fulfilled... for the worst thing to waste is my brain! For with all that some achieved, they still down to earth. They enjoy a laugh, a good Whisky, a BBQ and a book on Sundays. I honestly will be indebted to you guys.

To you for making me lose faith, for making me regain it again... For making me feel worthless, for at the edge, I realized this wasn't worth it... I'm fully indebted for I will always be looking over my shoulder. For ND, you are fucking awesome... A moment at a time you live, a full life it is... You missus are the ish!

Get up and make the necessary changes, because I have to....

haiya

I have a blog... a black one to boot.


Guess I am still having writer's block mpaka leo. Been quite a while since my last post. However, the demands of life are to blame for that blip. Juggling work, school, fun and a marriage is hard...and fun. Blogging kind of gets the side eye these days... and quite right. Fucking up my adsense hustle to boot.

Can I go for lunch now... Thanks. What have you other people been upto?

Hey

Hey you all.

Whoever reads the blog anyway. Was out to do exams. Years later this shit dont change. Free now. Oh anything new? Been having a blast. From hanging out on weird days, drinking the way to the last cent. Fucking awesome. Just been having a pretty good time. Dec is one month which is one big excuse for having fun for the fuck of it...and I love an excuse for pint. Go on man....

Loving everything that is happening. The Lord loves the man I'm becoming and me too I have to concur. Blessings man. Oh yeah. Makes me smile. How funny things turn out. She is coming over for Xmas. Gonna be a blast. You guys I'm gonna be booked for the rest of the year...Party party party.....like a rockstar.

A reduction in Tweets, blog posts, emails is clear testament of someone having fun with real people...and me my friends is off to the evening pint...Bye

I have to fight just to make it through... and This is the embodiment of all that is going on.

Ladies and Gents, Breaking Benjamin perfoming Breathe from the album "Phobia".

"Breath"

I see nothing in your eyes, and the more I see the less I like.

Is it over yet, in my head?

I know nothing of your kind, and I won't reveal your evil mind.

Is it over yet? I can't win.

So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I'm going all the way, get away, please.

[Chorus:]
You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.

This will be all over soon.
Pour salt into the open wound.

Is it over yet? Let me in.

So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I'm going all the way, get away, please.

[Chorus:]
You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.

[Bridge]
I'm waiting, I'm praying, realize, start hating.

[Chorus:]
You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.