Let's spread this love...

I fight a lot of battles...with myself and all that are close to me. Being the person that I am I demand a lot of those that call me friends.

This guy was getting a lethal injection and as a favor was asked if he could have 5 friends come in before he dies....He said he did not know any 5 people!!

I do not have that much going on but this made me think of a lot of ish that I might be taking for granted...

It is never too late to float away and make sense of all that is going on in your life. I think this is the basic fight of humanity or rather one fight we have to gruel through. All this might suddenly become hopeless if someone has no idea where they are from or where they are going. Luckily, I don't have that much of stuff to ignore... It's so funny how it all seems simple if you have all that is important around you and always constantly remind them of it.... I really do not like social networking sites....not that I'm reductive or backward but for the basic reason that they have taken the essence of caring and concern to the back burner....we all just post pictures to let others know what better things than yours we have been up to...we want to be the hippest of the lot...have most friends and all that mask shit; "I'm more interesting than u syndromme". The Dunbar's Rule does not allow me that luxury and I will forever be grateful. I don't care if I have Facebook, I do not consider anyone a friend of we do not talk at least on a monthly basis. A lot of shit happens in 30days....and my status update is not exhaustive enough for you if you are really a friend. I delete cellphone numbers on monthly basis, bad I know but what are you doing on my phone memory if I don't command an event in your mind... I don't hate you...we just not that close enough to have made it into the future together...

Moral of this....I'm having to stand steadfast on my resolution of keeping the few I have who can stand my arrogance, interesting, over bearing, homorous and appreciating ass. You know I would'nt do this without all 8 of u.....

If it makes u happy...

First post of the month and I'm not myself.... Been feeling off it for some days, damn I can't even explain what is up. Strange this shit... like the Disenchanted Lullaby is playing over and over in my head and I can't turn it off. I grit my teeth a lot nowadays...then I'm an ambivalent picture of solitude...eventually an episode of ecstatic joy and serenity fills in. I could say I'm manic!! Walalala.

Blog this shit out and I'm bound to feel better, or so I convince myself. They say that the best way to get over any situation is to face it head on...what they don't say is that the human set up is not made to deal with the truth. I wanna live in my semblance of security for a little bit longer so I ain't facing anyone (just yet). I'm dazzled, inspired, weighed down at the same time. I wanna know this but it's .....mmmmhhh......Anti Matter I dare say. I'm getting myself some 'novacaine'. Another moment in this undefined reality is not what I want to live through this weekend. Resolute in such a case I hope I don't say something stupid. I was never good at keeping anyone close....always found a way of pushing them to the edge..

Dare I say I'm actually in evidence of some exciiitiiing past days. It is not that bad after all. I wanna live for this moment for I aint letting this get to me. So where are we indulging in this pleasent escapism this weekend??!

Of Growing up and the loss of simplicity....

I like someone wonderful! I spent sometime with her...Irony is I had to lie to close friends because of the complications that come in. Don't I hate the glassy transparent issues that may seem incosequential yet they carry weight as u grow older!! Nothing seems simple as you grow up. Like asking someone out... Your parents question her tribal affiliations, political views. Friends dissect and plough in. Everyone will have an opinion I guess. But what to do.

There seems like a lot we have to deal with in all days as you grow older. Nothing is black and white. There are shades within it and be you lacking in finesse of differentiation! You will be eaten alive!!! Wind in and out of the duties of living but be careful of submitting to the unpronounced or quiet demands of a society.

I like the part where I can have my own blog....not for the writing! I suck at it....just for the communicating part even though hardly no one reads this blog. I can't write all I want either lest someone I know stumbles on this shit and raise a whole furor in Nairobi. Walalalala Amani amefanya nini???!! At the extreme you may have this flirting idea that you living on your own terms. Be aware at this moment of heightened thought of kind rebellion, you're actually in sync to what is expected of you. A moratorium of identification. These guys had this covered from day one! Ha!

I don't have time to miss the experiences...sometimes I talk like I'm 80...Hehehehe. I'll grab this and get my moment of rebellion. However short it may be, I can get my satisfaction till I get ridiculed.

It all makes sense though as we go on. This rules, transparent and coercing ideals or rules just serve to keep order and in all instances it's for the good of the bigger society. As much as we may lose the simplicity of doing what we like, I don't think I could live in a hedonism fuelled society. Not that I won't pursue my moment with her.... but my situation pales in comparison to the multitude and purpose of this arguement. Damn that was serious. I just wanna date her!! I had fun sweetheart, and whatever angle I look you still hot dear ;-)

I promised me that I will not dive back into the dating game unless I fall in love/ if that exists or a girl makes me have crush like a 15yr old boy.....I got my wish. Not that I'm dating her, I got the crush part. She's been in my head like a melody and I can't help but sing. I'm still naive when it comes to explaining myself and my emotions for that matter.... qsn! Where do we go from here??

I had fun this weekend. The simplicity of it all will be in my head. For some time to come. I learned one other thing about me this weekend. And again I am amazed.....

Have a gr8 week.

Does it make sense...

U think u know who u are...and everyday someone challenges this very knowledge and premise. It could be a long ride that we are all in as we try to figure all of this out. I'm of the strategy of experience....my famous tabula rasa initiative of thinking and tackling the world..."I know nothing and I'm really interested in learning something from u"....let's see how far this fantasy/facade takes me before reality shocks my ass...

Gross and terminal as this statement comes across "we really have no idea what we are doing here".....it actually has an element of truth in it....Can u imagine a higher being looking down and looking at 50% of the shit u do!!!! I smell disapproval all the way.

We all have an insane urge to be better than the next person. Be it in religion, work, human relationships et cetera..... We end up fucking the simplicity of it all..... something in relation to the sentiments of Greenday's "Working Class Hero". We lose the Art of Living in all this pace of wanting to outdo the other....'I can pray better, I make more money, I have a better family'. Damn....what happened to that feeling when someone nice smiles at u from accross the room. I try to grasp that on a daily basis. I can honestly say the basis for that innocent appreciation of someone new died when the reality of University education and a good job settled in my gut when I was in high school.

I still count....Maybe along this continuum of commonality....something will pop up and make this all seem simple. We still jungle animals and no amount of socialization is going to make this go away..I'm taking a step back. Tik tok tik tok

Of reality and the fact that.....

I'll be damned if u are right.....no one in particular but the person with a dire need to be proven right.

We grow up trying to do all the things our folks did....human nature or rather 'imitation' as in psychology. Yrs later we strive to do everything they do not want us to do.....the reconciliation is always the challenge once you are here.....Walk and talk like dad; He's a punk, he cheated on Mum. Don't know where I stopped caring about being the right person. Somewhere along the way it just seemed like a movie that I had no idea who wrote the script. The shit was......what's the word......the shit had a funny way of making one ambivalent......care, not care....I really didn't give that much of a thought.

I think the fact that you realize you are the only one.....miles miles and miles.....it just stops being a mystery. I never really reached the part of reconciliation. I stopped along the way...I stopped caring or trying to prove anything. The fact that I answer to me before I sleep is quite the comfort I need at the moment.

They say you need to stop digging once you find out you are in a hole. Time's up!! You. The challenge is in defining the hole....then it all becomes clear.

They say if you think you have a dilemma then you haven't really understood your situation. But is life that easy anyway?

You figure it out.....

Spontaneous???!!!

I come off worse when I plan.....
I don't have fun when I have a plan....It's all a routine.
It's like I can tell the future when I plan for stuff.... I live as a predictive text, the evening.

So this is the dillema...At what point do I need to be spontaneous.... At the expense of being a robot..devoid of emotion? A creature of habit? As much as it may seem "in" to be the spontaneous person, we fucking need a plan. The truth hurts!!!

So a 25yr old baby actually turns up at 20th. I really like the part that she broke my plan....I had a ball ( fun I mean). I did not count the time till event lapse. Fuck I enjoyed myself!!!! U wanna know the funny thing about all this....I felt guilty I did not do what I planned for.... Meaning not doing things my way but her way.

I'm a freak for habit...I love order...at what price I'm realizing some odd 20yrs later...I'm not comfortable with losing control...this is what spontaneity does in my case or so I think....Who are u to judge me anyway....

I faced my fear today....I'm lyyyyyiiiiing...order is what defines me. For a moment I believe that something will go wrong.....for a moment I believe that I'm in control...for now I think I'm having fun...

For now I'm one for order....that's the Utopia my mind is comfortable with. For a moment, I'm at peace.....

My blog....my thoughts....

I find Tanzanian Music quite hypnotic....Like I wanna mean totally awesome music. But that's not the point here leo. What do people do in Blogs......Rant,,,,rave....complain?? I was checking out some cool sites on the net....ChinaBounder is awesome although.....I don't wanna pass judgement anyway. I think the guy is entitled to his opinion......Hehehe. Now what again...... I think I need to stop worrying. Nothing ever happens in the end so what is the use.

What of the hot chicks in Nai.....I think I fell in love.....(and I'm using that word, those words loosely) approx 10 times last Friday while at Mwendwas with S. Made new friends but what is with these fly gals....Manzi wa Nairobi. U know Nonini actually makes sense in practically all his songs albeit some months or yrs later. What the hell! Some guys have not made sense since I juad them 24 good yrs ago.

A friend....again I'm using the word loosely...is making a some good moves. I wanna be there and support all that but I don't even know where to start....What is it with growing up and growing distant?? I cant talk to people who were like my mates something like 2yrs ago. Fuck!!! I feel guilty, I feel grown up, I feel stupid, I feel like I don't deserve this name. 24yrs later and it's like I was just born. I know you guys will count on me from yesterday.

I need, want a .......Milele!!!

I'm thinking.........

I'm at that position.....but I really have no idea how to conduct myself. So I look for the slightest shit in me and tell she could do better.......

Gee all these memories...3 in a month!!?? The Lord might be telling me something.....I don't jua what.

It don't have to make sense to u.....my blog! Remember???

Karma

Back..back...like bad Karma........Did you know that's like God's way of saying "pay back homie!!!!" When all that shot comes back to your face on a Sunday morning....Hell!

How you all been doing? I hope I do that faithful thing of writing my thoughts here on a regular.....
And the promise goes on.