Of reality and the fact that.....

I'll be damned if u are right.....no one in particular but the person with a dire need to be proven right.

We grow up trying to do all the things our folks did....human nature or rather 'imitation' as in psychology. Yrs later we strive to do everything they do not want us to do.....the reconciliation is always the challenge once you are here.....Walk and talk like dad; He's a punk, he cheated on Mum. Don't know where I stopped caring about being the right person. Somewhere along the way it just seemed like a movie that I had no idea who wrote the script. The shit was......what's the word......the shit had a funny way of making one ambivalent......care, not care....I really didn't give that much of a thought.

I think the fact that you realize you are the only one.....miles miles and miles.....it just stops being a mystery. I never really reached the part of reconciliation. I stopped along the way...I stopped caring or trying to prove anything. The fact that I answer to me before I sleep is quite the comfort I need at the moment.

They say you need to stop digging once you find out you are in a hole. Time's up!! You. The challenge is in defining the hole....then it all becomes clear.

They say if you think you have a dilemma then you haven't really understood your situation. But is life that easy anyway?

You figure it out.....

Spontaneous???!!!

I come off worse when I plan.....
I don't have fun when I have a plan....It's all a routine.
It's like I can tell the future when I plan for stuff.... I live as a predictive text, the evening.

So this is the dillema...At what point do I need to be spontaneous.... At the expense of being a robot..devoid of emotion? A creature of habit? As much as it may seem "in" to be the spontaneous person, we fucking need a plan. The truth hurts!!!

So a 25yr old baby actually turns up at 20th. I really like the part that she broke my plan....I had a ball ( fun I mean). I did not count the time till event lapse. Fuck I enjoyed myself!!!! U wanna know the funny thing about all this....I felt guilty I did not do what I planned for.... Meaning not doing things my way but her way.

I'm a freak for habit...I love order...at what price I'm realizing some odd 20yrs later...I'm not comfortable with losing control...this is what spontaneity does in my case or so I think....Who are u to judge me anyway....

I faced my fear today....I'm lyyyyyiiiiing...order is what defines me. For a moment I believe that something will go wrong.....for a moment I believe that I'm in control...for now I think I'm having fun...

For now I'm one for order....that's the Utopia my mind is comfortable with. For a moment, I'm at peace.....

My blog....my thoughts....